Wednesday, October 25, 2017

On Being Single and My Crush

Thanks to the book of Jason and Crystallina Evert, I'm able to let go of my obsession to my current crush. I like him so much that I keep thinking about him for months from the time that he talked to me. Now, I feel like I can let go and let it be lolz. I mean, I know that I'm a weird girl, but this is taking it to the next level hahahaah. I am obsessed with a guy because he gave me his attention once. I have so low self-esteem that I think I would fall for any cute, intelligent guy who talks to me.

I read the chapter on the book about enjoying the single life and it really struck me. It hit me so hard that I reflected on it the whole day. I've been single my whole life and I define myself as someone who doesn't have a boyfriend, that's not my whole identity. I am a woman, a daughter of God. I should define myself with the relationship I have with God.

I am single and truth be told, I sometimes get envious when I see a couple so happy together. The ache for someone to share my life with is so strong sometimes that I fill it with being obsessed with my crush. I like looking at his photos and watching his videos and hearing his voice. But, of course, I know that it is a one-sided love affair lolz, I mean, I don't think he thinks of me the way I think of him. Anyways, I'll never know unless he tells me otherwise.

One of the quotes I will discuss here is the one from the chapter entitled: enjoy the season of singleness.
Everyone wants love, and we usually spend an enormous amount of energy and anxiety trying to make it happen. Because of this, the idea of finding your soulmate by deliberately not dating might sound counterproductive. But one reason we suggest this is because it’s what Crystalina and I were doing when we met each other.
I love that! I know I've read it over and over again on several other books, to enjoy my life, enjoy being single, enjoy this time and I thought I was already doing that, but earlier I realized, I wasn't. I am happy when I'm with my family, friends and cousins, but, I'm not really grateful for all the blessings that have come my way, instead I focus on this one part of my life that God has not yet deemed right to give to me. I don't have a boyfriend. That's like what's in my head, I think subconsciously that's what I focus on.

I love being able to do things on my own, but most of the time, nowadays, I would love to share my activities with someone who cares for me too. However, upon further reflections, I think it is also good that there's no guy in my life right now since I don't think I'm a good girlfriend material. I feel like eventually I would hurt him because I usually take people for granted and I'm not that nice really.

I'm "mataray", but when it comes to my crush, I can't seem to show my true self, I would love to talk to him even as a friend, but there's always this fear of mine that he might be disappointed with me and wouldn't like me. But, now I don't care, (well, I may change my mind in a few days lolz, but for now this is how I feel) . As my bestfriend told me, it's better that he sees your true self since that's how you will be when/if ever you have a romantic relationship.

Anyways, what I want to say really is that, I will try to let go of my obsession with my crush, and enjoy this season of singleness, and to center my thoughts and actions to God and how I can be of service to others.

Being single is a great time to not think about myself all the time, although I am very self-centered, so that may be difficult for me to do, to think of others, but I want to also to practice the 2 greatest commandments. I don't know how I am going to do that, but at least I'm going to try.

My cousins are also single and my relatives are well-meaning, but they define us, as women who don't have husbands. That's how they see us. I know that having a husband is good, but it should not define us as a person. I am a woman and I can achieve a lot of things if I put my mind to it. Sometimes I feel like it, but for now, I don't think I am less of a person just because I don't have a husband/boyfriend at this age.

The last quote from the book I want to mention here is:
Human love is a beautiful thing to desire and to find. The dream of love does not need to be abandoned. But when it becomes the center of our longings, the cause of our joy or despair, and the ruler of our hearts, it needs to be handed over to God, who alone can fulfill our deepest desires.

Evert, Jason. How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul (Kindle Locations 4231-4233). Totus Tuus Press. Kindle Edition.
 That is what I'm longing for right now, the love of a man and I need not abandon that dream, but since it's now the center or my longings, I will give it to God. I hope that if you have longings as well, if you are a single woman just like me, you will give that longing to God. Then focus on the things that he already gifted you with, then get to know yourself a little bit more, and think of ways on how you can serve others with the talent that you have. Give your time and energy in serving God.

I think this is the only book that I've read (so far) where I highlight almost all of the paragraphs hahahaha, I love this book so much, except for the modesty part lolz, I still don't know how to incorporate modesty into fashion and still look so stunning. Maybe someday I can find a good clothing company that provide modest dresses that is also fashionista-worthy. I can't see myself serving in Church because of this.

I want to be able to dress however I like, but of course when it comes to Sunday Mass, I dress reservedly. I think even if you are naked going to church, God will still accept you, but of course, for the sake of the people around you, you will dress appropriately. Maybe I will put up a blogspost on men and modesty one of these days.

For now, the last quote I want to discuss is:
Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonement or the negative opinions of others. You take scraps from the world but I have given you everything you need, deep within you. Everyone's light is different and some brighter than others. But do not be scared of your own light, for it was put in you so that others who are blinded by their own darkness could see your light. 
...At times, you allow your insecurities to overpower you, and your thoughts run wild... Deep down you know who you are and what you are supposed to do... the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God.

I cut some words out, I just chose my favorites. Those words were written by Crystallina, when she felt that God was speaking it in her heart. She shared this in her book because she knows she is not alone in how she felt during her times of darkness. I'm so glad she shared that, I love those words. I love the encouragement. That's why I'm trying to conquer my fear of looking like a fool in the eyes of others because I know too that I'm not alone in my longings. This is so embarrasing for me to share these thoughts about my crush, but I have to put it out there and be true to myself and maybe there may be other girls/women who feel the same way I'm feeling right now and I want to encourage them with the words of Crystallina.

The first sentence "Do not shy from who you are because you fear abandonement or the negative opinions of others" is what I needed to hear. I really really really fear rejection, so I think I became a people pleaser, but there are times that I don't care what other people think, but there are still times that I feel, I want to do things for their approval.

I know this may take some time, I'm a work in progress, I want to stop thinking about what others will think of me. I share some of my thoughts with my cousins because I know they will not leave me, whatever my belief is, but I sometimes fear confrontation especially with strangers because I don't know if I can defend my faith and give justice to it, I'm not that knowledgeable, I'm not like the catholic apologists.

But, I'm going to be true to myself, at least here in my blog, I'm going to put here my thoughts on my favorite anime, Naruto (the only anime that made me cry harder than when I was watching any teleserye.), I'm going to put lyrics of songs I love, I already started doing that with one rap song that I put here, I'm going to mold this blog to reflect me, of course, that's why I put my nickname on it lolz.

"the biggest battle of all will be with yourself. Know who you are and what you are not. You are a beloved daughter of Jesus, He who is God."

God is my father, He is my bestfriend. But, most of the time I'm spending my day in front of the computer, on the Internet and not with Him. :(
I'm going to practice what the book suggested, to spend 15 minutes everyday, just 15. Make it a habit. I think I can do that.

The battle is within me. I think I'm hit with the words of St. Ignatius of Antioch, I'm a paradox. I want to follow Jesus, but I can't let go of worldly goods. St. Ignatius said: "Do not have Jesus Christ on your lips and the world in your hearts". Please help me St. Ignatius.

So, these next few months, I'll be busy with reading books, blogging, cuzcapades, holidays, and trying to determine what I really can contribute or what my talent is, but in between, I want to spend time with Jesus of course. Be in silence with Him. I think I'm going to post a blog entry about the Carmelite Church we have here in Angeles City, it's so serene, you can really feel you are at God's house, I love that place.

I'm going to follow the advice of Jason and Crystallina, enjoy this season of singleness and serve others with my talent.

If you've read this far, thank you. :) or maybe you just skimmed this blogpost, still thanks. :)

and I hope you have a great day! :) God Bless You. :)

P.S. lolz

Just want to share this video of me talking about the dumpster story from the book:

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